Building Shakeable Confidence
I don’t believe in “unshakeable confidence” or "low self-esteem.” Confidence isn’t fixed, and neither is self-worth. Everyone’s confidence can be shaken, and everyone’s self-esteem is elevated up to a certain level. The real difference lies in how you respond when life tests you. Do you retreat, or do you rise? That is the true measure of confidence: not the absence of doubt, but the decision to keep showing up despite it.
While I don’t subscribe to the idea of “unshakeable confidence” or “low self-esteem” as fixed traits, I’ll continue using these terms throughout the article for clarity—since they’re still widely recognised and commonly used. Consider them placeholders to help us explore the deeper truths behind how we relate to ourselves.
Confidence and self-esteem are two related but distinct concepts that are crucial to overall wellbeing.
Confidence refers to a person’s belief in their own abilities, skills, and judgement. It is the assurance that one can successfully accomplish goals or tasks. Confidence often relates to specific domains, such as confidence in one’s academic abilities, creative talents, or leadership skills.
Self-esteem is a broader concept that encompasses a person’s subjective evaluation of their own worth and value. It refers to a deep-seated approval and respect for oneself as a person. Self-esteem shaped by experiences and relationships from childhood through adulthood. While confidence and self-esteem are related, they have some key differences:
Confidence tends to relate to particular actions and situations, while self-esteem relates to one’s general sense of self-worth.
Confidence can fluctuate based on external feedback and experiences of success or failure. In contrast, self-esteem tends to be more stable, though it can be negatively impacted by prolonged difficulties.
It is possible to have high confidence in certain areas of life but lower overall self-esteem, or vice versa.
Both confidence and self-esteem are important components of mental health. Confidence helps motivate us to pursue goals and rise to challenges. Self-esteem provides an underlying foundation of self-acceptance and regard that supports emotional wellbeing. Finding ways to build both confidence and self-esteem is an important part of personal growth and fulfilment. The following will explore signs of low confidence and self-esteem, causes, and strategies for cultivating both.
Signs of Low Confidence
Self-confidence can be defined as having a positive view of yourself and believing in your own abilities. When confidence is low, it can manifest in several ways:
Feeling insecure, doubtful or anxious about your capabilities. You may constantly second-guess yourself or struggle with indecisiveness. Even in areas where you are skilled, you have trouble trusting in your talents.
Engaging in negative self-talk and pessimism. You consistently criticize yourself and predict negative outcomes. This perpetual inner voice of self-doubt further erodes your confidence.
Fear of failure or criticism. You feel unable to handle rejection or disappointing outcomes. You may avoid taking risks or trying new things to circumvent potential failure. Criticism feels devastating.
Avoidance of challenges. You shy away from any opportunity that seems difficult, competitive or risky. You stick to your comfort zone to avoid the possibility of not measuring up.
Recognising these tendencies is an important first step in understanding and addressing chronically low confidence. The next section will explore underlying causes and keys to building self-assurance. With commitment and self-compassion, it is possible to gradually replace self-limiting beliefs with affirmative self-talk and build success through incremental goals and progress. Even small wins can start rebuilding confidence over time.
Signs of Low Self-Esteem
Low self-esteem can manifest in a variety of ways. Here are some common signs that someone may be struggling with low self-esteem:
Feeling unworthy or inadequate – Having a persistent sense of not being good enough or measuring up to others. Self-critical thoughts and negative self-talk.
Focusing on flaws and shortcomings – Obsessing over imperfections, mistakes, or failures. Magnifying flaws while dismissing positive qualities.
Difficulty accepting compliments – Rejecting or downplaying praise, positive feedback, and appreciation from others. Feeling undeserving.
Downplaying achievements – Discounting accomplishments and attributing success to luck rather than merit. Setting exceedingly high standards.
Perfectionistic tendencies – Striving to meet unrealistic expectations of perfection. Black-and-white thinking.
Withdrawal from others – Avoiding social situations for fear of criticism or rejection. Self-isolating.
Sensitivity to criticism – Taking any criticism, judgment, or feedback as confirmation of inadequacy. Defensive.
Envy of others – Feeling bitter about the talents, traits, possessions, and success of others. Frequent social comparisons.
Recognising signs of low self-esteem provides opportunities to build self-confidence through self-compassion, self-acceptance, and adopting a growth mindset. Seeking professional help may also be beneficial.
Causes of Low Confidence and Self-Esteem
Low confidence and self-esteem can stem from a variety of sources, often beginning in childhood.
Childhood Experiences or Trauma
Difficult experiences in childhood, such as abuse, neglect, bullying, or family dysfunction can all undermine confidence and self-worth. Traumatic events or adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) signal to a child that they are not valued, safe, or secure. This lays the foundation for struggling with self-esteem and confidence later in life.
Negative Relationships
Ongoing toxic or abusive relationships also erode self-esteem over time. Partners, family members, or peers who are consistently critical, controlling, manipulative, or coercive can slowly chisel away at someone’s self-worth. The cumulative effects of negative communication, put-downs, isolation, blame, and shame from those close to you can be extremely damaging.
Social Anxiety or Isolation
Those who experience social anxiety, shyness, exclusion, or loneliness may have fewer opportunities to develop social skills, receive positive affirmation, and cultivate self-esteem. Without supportive social connections, people are more likely to struggle with low confidence and negative self-perception. Ongoing isolation serves to reinforce insecurities and fear of judgment from others.
Failures and Setbacks
Experiencing repeated failures over time, especially in youth, can diminish beliefs in one’s abilities and competence. Setbacks are part of life, but if someone internalizes them as personal shortcomings versus situational outcomes, it can reinforce a negative self-narrative. By getting stuck in self-limiting thoughts like “I’m just not good enough” it’s easy to see how confidence erodes after frequent failures or disappointments.
Physical Appearance Concerns
Body image issues and feeling unattractive are common triggers for low self-esteem. We live in cultures obsessed with impossible appearance ideals, especially for women. When there’s a major mismatch between someone’s perception of their looks and cultural beauty standards, self-esteem often suffers. Judging or valuing yourself based on appearance alone leaves many feeling inadequate or flawed.
Building Confidence
One of the most effective ways to build confidence is by setting and achieving small, manageable goals. Accomplishing tasks and reaching milestones, even if they are small ones, provides a sense of satisfaction and encourages you to raise the bar. Examples of achievable goals include learning a new skill, taking up a hobby, or getting active and exercising. Start with easy goals where success is very possible, then gradually increase the difficulty and challenge. Reward yourself when you meet your goals.
Using positive self-talk and affirmations can also boost confidence. Be your own cheerleader and replace negative thoughts with uplifting messages like “I can do this” or “I am capable and talented.” Look for opportunities to give yourself encouragement.
Taking small risks and pushing yourself slightly outside your comfort zone helps build confidence. This could involve speaking up more in meetings, introducing yourself to new people, taking the lead on a project, or applying for a job slightly above your experience level. When you feel comfortable, expand your comfort zone again. With each successful step outside your comfort zone, your confidence will grow.
Lastly, take time to celebrate wins and recognise your progress. Reflect on how far you’ve come, not just how far you have left to go. Give yourself credit for achieving milestones, learning new skills and expanding your capabilities. Confidence grows when we appreciate our growth.
Improving Self-Esteem
Self-esteem comes from within, but there are steps you can take to start improving how you feel about yourself. Here are some strategies for boosting self-esteem:
Develop Self-Compassion
Being kind and understanding toward yourself is key to building self-esteem. Self-compassion means accepting your flaws and being gentle with yourself when you make mistakes, rather than being overly critical or judgmental. Speak to yourself with the same compassion you would give a good friend. Avoid negative self-talk and instead focus on your positive qualities and what you appreciate about yourself.
Find Your Strengths
Make a list of things you are good at or value about yourself, like creativity, determination, humor or kindness. Reflect on all your accomplishments, big and small. Focus on developing your natural talents and gifts. Set goals to help you grow in areas you are strong in. Using your strengths boosts self-belief.
Surround Yourself With Positivity
The people around you can profoundly impact how you feel about yourself. Surround yourself with those who make you feel good about who you are. Avoid toxic relationships that undermine your self-worth. Seek supportive friends who are positive and encouraging. Their belief in you can help you believe in yourself.
Take Care of Your Needs
Strengthen self-esteem by taking good care of your needs. Make sure to get enough sleep, eat healthy foods, exercise and give yourself time for relaxation and fun. Taking care of your physical and mental health demonstrates self-worth and self-respect. When you feel good, you’ll feel better about yourself.
Overcoming Fear and Anxiety
Fear and anxiety are common barriers to confidence and self-esteem. When we experience fear or anxiety, it can trigger negative thought patterns that undermine our confidence. Learning to recognise and counteract these thought patterns is an important step.
One approach is to practice relaxation techniques and mindfulness. Taking time to breathe deeply, meditate, and bring awareness to the present moment can help calm the mind and body. This can make it easier to identify and dismiss irrational or exaggerated fears.
Gradually facing fears is another effective technique. Start by visualising facing the fear, then take small steps to confront it in real life. The goal isn’t to eliminate fear completely, but to build a sense of mastery over it. With each small success, confidence grows.
Seeking support can also help in overcoming fear and anxiety. Confiding in trusted friends and family and getting professional assistance if needed can provide the encouragement needed to keep facing fears. A strong support system helps build resilience.
The path to overcoming fear and anxiety takes time, but consistently applying techniques to relax the mind, face fears, and draw on support can lead to greater confidence and self-assurance. By learning to counteract negative thought patterns, it’s possible to break free of fear’s grip.
Embracing Self-Acceptance
Self-acceptance is key to confidence and self-esteem. When you accept yourself as you are, you free yourself from the need to be perfect. Here are some tips for embracing self-acceptance:
Let Go of Perfectionism Striving for perfection is an endless, frustrating battle. It’s impossible to be perfect, so forgive yourself when you make mistakes. Focus on growth vs perfection. Celebrate progress over perfection.
Be Kind to Yourself Treat yourself with the same compassion you would show a good friend. Don’t beat yourself up over perceived flaws or shortcomings. Talk to yourself with kindness and avoid negative self-talk.
Practice Self-Care Make self-care a regular habit, not a luxury. Get enough sleep, eat healthy foods, exercise, and do activities that nourish your mind, body and spirit. Taking good care of yourself boosts self-acceptance.
Surround Yourself with Support Spend time with people who appreciate and accept you as you are. Avoid toxic relationships that diminish your self-worth. Surrounding yourself with positive people who make you feel good about yourself increases self-acceptance. Loving yourself despite imperfections takes practice, but leads to greater confidence and inner peace. Acceptance of yourself, flaws and all, is the foundation for true self-esteem.
Using Body Language to Boost Confidence
Your body language has a significant impact on your confidence levels and how others perceive you. Practicing confident body language can help you fake it till you make it when you’re feeling anxious or unsure.
Posture Standing and sitting up straight with your shoulders back projects confidence. Slouching or slumping makes you appear unsure of yourself. Make a conscious effort to maintain good posture, even if you don’t feel confident in the moment.
Eye Contact Making steady eye contact shows confidence and commands attention. Avoid looking down or away when speaking to someone. Practice holding eye contact briefly during conversations.
Smiling Smiling makes you appear open and friendly. Smile warmly when greeting someone to come across as confident and approachable. Keep a natural smile on your face during interactions.
Open Body Position Face others directly and avoid crossed arms or legs. An open body position shows you’re engaged and interested. Turn your body toward others when talking to them. There is a mind-body connection where simply adjusting your physical posture and expressions can boost your confidence. Act confident on the outside through positive body language, and your internal sense of confidence can grow.
Coping with Social Media Pressures
Social media can take a toll on our confidence and self-esteem. The constant comparisons and carefully curated feeds full of idealised images can make us feel inadequate. Here are some tips for coping with social media pressures:
Limit Comparison and Passive Scrolling
Avoid mindlessly scrolling social media feeds and getting caught in an endless loop of comparing yourself to others. This passive scrolling behaviour is linked to decreased wellbeing.
Remember that the highlights people post rarely show the whole picture. Focus on your own goals rather than comparing.
Consider muting or unfollowing accounts that consistently make you feel bad about yourself when you see them.
Curate Your Feeds Mindfully
Seek out and follow accounts that inspire you, make you laugh, provide value, or align with your interests and values.
Curate your feed to include more of what brings you joy and fulfillment rather than what fuels comparison.
Focus on Authenticity Over Appearances
Post things that genuinely reflect your life and personality rather than chasing likes. Stay true to yourself.
Value social media connections that allow for honesty and vulnerability rather than shallow interactions.
Take Breaks When Needed
Notice when you feel envious, frustrated or overwhelmed by social media. Take a break when you need it.
Consider a digital detox if social media is taking an excessive toll on your wellbeing. Unplugging can help reset your mindset.
The constant pressures of social media take a toll. But by following the above tips, you can use social media more mindfully and protect your self-esteem.
